Kurt Takes Back Christmas!
by ZANNE
Summary: ...... It's good. You'll see.... YOU'LL ALL SEE!


HOWDY! This is ZANNE'S fantabulistic Christmas story!!! That's right. I said Christmas. You wanna fight about it? ANYWAY, this is about some of my observations of modern Christmas! Flame me if you desire. Come on, I dare you! ESPECIALLY you, Evo Avenger or whoever the hell you are.. I hope you like it! Or DO I?  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
It's December 24th and the gang from X-Men Evolution are doing a Holiday special! It's gonna be on TV and has a live audience and EVERYTHING!  
  
Kurt and Rogue walk out onto the brightly lit stage.  
  
Kurt: Hello everybody!  
  
Audience: HELLO KURT!!!!  
  
Rogue: ...  
  
Kurt: (whispering) say something.  
  
Rogue: Howdy!  
  
Audience: HOWDY ROGUE!!!  
  
Rogue: oh my god...(covers her face with her hand and shakes her head)  
  
Kurt: You know Rogue, it's that time of year where families all get together and spend the holidays with each other. Doesn't that sound special? Aren't you glad that you have me to spend this jolly season with?  
  
Rogue: uh...  
  
Kurt: That's just great! Now, to get us in the Christmas spirit, here are our rockettes!  
  
Wolverine: (whispers from back stage) HOLIDAY spirit!  
  
Kurt waves his hand at him as the rockettes come out on stage.  
  
Jean, Amara, Rahne, Scott, Evan, Jubilee, and Blob all come out from behind a curtain in skimpy little red and white outfits and Santa hats all in a row. They all kick and smile until they reach the center of the stage.  
  
Random audience members: (pointing at Blob) AHHH! My eyes!  
  
Kurt: BLOB! What are you doing?  
  
Blob: Does this mean I'm NOT meant for the stage?  
  
Rogue: Yeah.. I'm pretty sure it does.  
  
Blob: Oh *sniff*  
  
He walks off the stage then finds a dancing meatball and chases after it.  
  
Kurt: Moving on..  
  
Rogue: How about a hand for our lovely rockettes?!  
  
Audience: CLAP CLAP CLAP!!!  
  
Kurt: (whispers) Where did that come from?  
  
Rogue: Cue cards.  
  
Rogue points to Magneto who is holding up some big cue cards behind the camera.  
  
Kurt: Ok.. Now let's see that tree!  
  
All of a sudden, the curtains are raised to reveal a huge Christmas tree. Or, to be politically correct, a holiday tree. But ZANNE is far from being politically correct, so let's move on shall we? Toad, Colossus, and Mastermind are dressed up as presents and are arranged tastefully under the tree. On the tree, Pyro and Gambit are dressed up as ornaments. Pyro is a flaming candle (go figure) and Gambit is a big red heart. The rest of the ornaments are just a bunch of Jamies dressed up as Norman Rockwell Christmas balls. And on the very top is Roberto (as a flame boy), dressed as a star.  
  
Audience: OOOOOO AHHHHH!  
  
Kurt: Exactly!  
  
Rogue: And now, an interpretive dance to "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"!  
  
Storm, Pietro, Lance, and Wanda all dance out dressed as snowflakes. Then, Xavier wheels out in a big snowman costume smoking a corncob pipe.  
  
Wolverine: (from backstage) Pssst! Chuck! No smoking on the set!  
  
Xavier: Eat my snow, metal man!  
  
He throws a large clump of fruitcake at Wolverine's head.  
  
Wolverine: Grrr...  
  
Xavier sticks out his tong and the snowflakes start to dance. After some hypnotic motions and wheelchair wheelies, they stopped and bowed.  
  
Audience: CLAP CLAP CLAP!!!  
  
The snowflakes and Xavier go off to the side of the stage and stand near the HOLIDAY tree.  
  
Kurt: Well that was just lovely.  
  
Rogue: Indeed it was! And what would Christmas be like without our Jewish friends?  
  
Kurt: That would be like pantyhose without a leg!  
  
Kitty walks out on stage dresses as a big sparkling blue Star of David.  
  
Kitty: Shalom!  
  
Rogue: Happy Hanukkah Kitty! Light that Menorah like there's no tomorrow!  
  
Kitty smiles and waves.  
  
Kurt: Now it's time for, you guessed it, SANTA CLAUS!!!!  
  
The audience explodes in applause and whistles.  
  
Audience: KABOOM!  
  
Kurt: Umm.. OK?  
  
Rogue: Do you hear that Kurt?  
  
Kurt: Hear what Rogue?  
  
Rogue: Why I think it's the sound of sleigh bells!  
  
Kurt: Really?  
  
They both bend a little to the left with their hands cupped on to their ears with their mouths open and their eyes really wide.  
  
Wolverine (from backstage) jingles some bells.  
  
Kurt: I HEAR IT NOW!  
  
All the rockettes and snowflakes also tilt towards the left with their hands cupped to their ears with their mouths open and their eyes really wide. Except Scott who falls over because of the high heels and because Scott is a dousche bag.  
  
Bobby and Sam crawl onto the stage dressed as reindeer and are struggling to pull a large sleigh with Mystique in it. Mystique is dressed up as Santa (though poorly) and has a huge sack.  
  
Mystique: (ringing a bell) HO HO HO!!!  
  
Kurt and Rogue shake their heads.  
  
Audience: BOOOOOO!!!!  
  
Rogue: See? THIS is why I didn't invite you to my birthday party!  
  
Mystique: (looking sad) You had a birthday party?  
  
Kurt: You know.. You are stupid!  
  
Mystique: Oh yeah?  
  
Kurt: You are a shape shifter, and yet you come out here DRESSED up as Santa Claus.  
  
Rogue: And the costume REALLY sucks too.  
  
Mystique looks down at her bright red velvet suit stuffed with a pillow and her tangled white beard hanging off her cheeks. She also has one of those really obviously fake belts on. You know, the ones that are all stretchy and materially..  
  
Mystique: You're right!  
  
Mystique transforms into Santa.  
  
Mystique/Santa: (in a really deep voice) HO HO HO!!!  
  
Audience: YAY!  
  
Rogue: (squinting at hastily drawn cue cards) Hey Mystique. How about you and me tonight? We'll keep each other warm and. EWWW!  
  
Kurt: MAGNETO!  
  
Wanda: FATHER!  
  
Magneto: WANDA!  
  
Wanda: You locked me away!  
  
Magneto: You gave me no choice you couldn't control your anger!  
  
Rogue: Wait a sec.. MAGNETO! We forgot to wish you a happy Hanukkah!  
  
Magneto: And here I thought you had forgotten all about me..  
  
Audience: AWWWW!!!  
  
Pietro: What about me?  
  
Kitty: Aww Pietro, you're so wak!  
  
Pietro: Wiggidy wak?  
  
Kitty: No, the regular kind.  
  
Pietro: *sniff*  
  
Kurt: Ok, now that THAT'S all out of the way, it's time to discuss the TRUE meaning of Christmas.  
  
Wolverine: (STILL backstage) uh oh..  
  
He starts flipping through the script.  
  
Kurt: We all know that Christmas is the celebration of Jesus Christ's birthday.  
  
Kitty looks around nervously.  
  
Rogue: Uh, Kurt?  
  
Kurt: Excuse me while I whip this out.  
  
Everyone gasps in shock and looks away.  
  
Kurt pulls a Bible out of his pocket.  
  
Everyone turns around and sighs with relief.  
  
Kurt: Eh hem! (Kurt opens the Bible) Luke 2: 8 "And there were shepherds lying out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people. Today in the town of David, a Savior has been born to you: he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find the babe wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger".  
  
Wolverine: Psst!  
  
Kurt waves his hand at him again.  
  
Wolverine: PSSSST! Elf!  
  
Kurt: WHAT?!  
  
Wolverine: Stop it!  
  
Kurt: Stop what?  
  
Wolverine: IT!  
  
Kurt: What is IT?  
  
Wolverine: THAT!  
  
Kurt: (hold up the Bible) THIS?  
  
Wolverine: YES!  
  
Kurt: FINE! I'll just preach to these people!  
  
Wolverine: uh..  
  
Kurt: As you may or may not know, Christmas is the celebration of JESUS' (gives Wolvie a death glare) birthday. It is an important day because he was born to die. He was born to deliver us from our sins and save us from hell and..  
  
Kurt is interrupted by a flying pen that hits him in the head.  
  
Kurt: OUCH!  
  
Wolverine makes a lot of hand motions at him.  
  
Kurt: ANYWAY, we should all stop being so selfish and materialistic and just give thanks to God and Jesus for what we are already blessed with and.  
  
A script hits Kurt on the head.  
  
Kurt: It is time to stop your heathen ways and let Jesus into your life!  
  
He throws up his hands.  
  
Wolverine: THAT'S IT ELF!  
  
He walks out onto the stage up to Kurt.  
  
Wolverine: You can't talk about that!  
  
Kurt: And just WHY NOT?  
  
Wolverine: We're on PUBLIC television! It's not allowed!  
  
Kurt: Why not?  
  
Wolverine: Because anything remotely Christian seems to offend everybody and we could get kicked off the air!  
  
Kurt: Is that why I'm not religious in the show?  
  
Wolverine: Yes, yes it is.  
  
Kurt: Well I've got Christmas spirit out the gazoo, and I'm not going to stop now!  
  
Wolverine: OH yes you are! Besides, there is no God.  
  
Kurt: BITE ME HEATHEN!  
  
Wolverine: THAT'S IT!  
  
Kurt: You'll never take me alive!  
  
Kurt chucks his Bible at Wolverine and hits him in the eye. He then runs away while Wolverine howls in pain.  
  
Wolverine: HOOOOWWWWLLLL!!!! I'm blind!  
  
Kurt: (from the top of the CHRISTMAS tree) If you believed in Jesus he might heal you!  
  
Wolverine: GGRRRRRR!!!!!  
  
Wolverine slices up the tree. All the ornaments fall down and run away crying. The presents and rockettes also run away. Except for Scott who Jean has to drag away because he twisted his ankle when he fell down earlier. For a change of pace, the snowflakes DRIFT away to get out of harm's way! Oh yeah, Mystique, Bobby and Sam go somewhere. But they don't go too far away because they want to see some action.  
  
Kurt: You'll never catch me! HA HA HAAAA!!!  
  
Wolverine: I'M GONNA IMPAIL YOU AND THEN STICK YOU ON A WALL!!!  
  
Kurt: Eep!  
  
Kurt tries to teleport away but because Xavier is a bastard, he made him teleport right in front of Wolverine.  
  
Wolverine: I GOT CHA NOW BUB!  
  
Wolverine pounces on Kurt and begins to drag him offstage by his tail.  
  
Kurt: (as he's being dragged across the floor) You can do what you like to me, but Christ lives on! Tell my story! TELL MY STORY!!!!  
  
When Wolverine and Kurt are gone, the rest of the casts starts to re appear on the stage.  
  
Rogue: (who had been standing in the same spot the whole time) Umm.. So! Let's all sing the non offensive holiday carol!  
  
Audience: YAY!  
  
Rogue: Ready? One, Two, Three.  
  
Everyone: Happy, happy, happy, happy holidays  
When everyone buys presents and is all nice to each other  
When everything's on sale it really pays  
Even if you have to buy something for your brother!  
  
There's always food and parties that are full of boos  
Just to help you have that special cheer  
And even if you are ugly and you smell like tofu  
Everyone is nice to you this one time of the year!  
  
So let's all hail to Santa Clause  
He looks a little thin  
Here's some cookies shaped like jaws  
In a heart shaped tin!  
  
So after January 1st we all can go back to normal  
When we will be all rude and mean again  
No more kindness cause it isn't formal  
To be kind and jolly to some one named who could be named Jen!  
  
Rogue: WOW! That was piles of fun! We'll see you next year! If we have a 5th season that is!  
  
All the characters gather around Rogue and wave.  
  
Everyone: GOODBYE!!!!  
  
Dorian walks out on stage dressed like Tiny Tim.  
  
Dorian: And Kid's WB bless us, EVERYONE!  
  
END.  
  
________________________________________________________________  
  
Ok.. Maybe it was a little over the top. But this is how I feel sometimes. I'm Lutheran but some of my friends are atheists. It makes me feel bad because even when someone sneezes and I say "God bless you," they give me the death glare or yell at me and I'm all like "NO." If you find this offensive in anyway, just call this number,  
  
1-800-DOYOUTHINKIGIVEADAMN-466  
  
And please, be careful where you chuck your Bibles. Watch out for those pointy edges.  
  
God bless you all and have a Merry Christmas.  
  
~ZANNE 


End file.
